Money

Money is the root of all evil! At least the lack of it is. I get so overwhelmed thinking about how we’re going to find the money to raise this child and I end up feeling like my brain is going to explode. Fortunately it hasn’t yet. At least I think it hasn’t. Wait, what’s hat oozing from my ears?

I am actually kept awake nights by anxiety over my lack of cash flow and sure I wish I would have planned things better or differently or whatever but the fact of the matter is I didn’t and no amount of wishing is going to make it any different than it is. So what do I do? Well, there’s really not much I can do at the moment, I need to make due with the cash that’s there I just figure it out and there lies the rub. How do I just make due and figure it out with out suffering from anxiety attacks. I mean, my fiancée and I make a great team and it’s not that we have no food in the fridge or are on the verge of loosing our apartment, heck we both have cars, we have very little credit card debt and for the most part our bills are paid on time. Some times things fall between the cracks and we have to prioritize and pay a bill later than we’d like but as it stands we’re doing better than 85% of the world’s population, it just doesn’t seem that way. It’d be nice to go out to dinner at a nice restaurant once in a while or buy new clothes because we want to and not because we have to or get some new furniture. Heck, it’d be nice to shop somewhere other than Wal-Mart. I see other people do it all the time and I just can’t figure out what they are doing differently. In any event as it is we aren’t left with a whole lot at the end of the pay period and new expenses are popping up every day. I’m concerned with being able to afford the doubled health insurance premium when I add the tadpole to my insurance. I am concerned with being able to buy diapers and formula and clothes and all the other things that are going to be necessary. I’m just concerned.

I don’t know what the deal really is. Maybe this all steams from my irrational need to have a plan and be prepared. After all we didn’t think I could get pregnant so I didn’t have a plan prepared when we found out. It’s like I was left hanging without my security blanket and I just feel a little bit…well…insecure. This whole unprepared thing is uncharted territory for me and I really don’t like it. I feel like I’m not in control (which I’m not) and being the control freak that I am, it feels kinda weird. I’m sure all this nonsense will change once the tadpole is born and I have my little bundle to care for. Holy crap! Then I’ll really not be in control. I need a nap or some chocolate or something.