Bye Mommy

So I'm on my own now. Mom came after the surgery for almost two weeks and she went home this morning. I was so glad to have her here, my husband has to work (one of us has to) and I'd have been alone. For a while there I couldn't even take a shower or put my bandages on by myself. There were other things too, she made sure I got out of the house at least once a day and it was easier to do because I wasn't alone. There were so many people that told me they'd visit that haven't and I hope they start coming over soon. I hate being alone. I'm really good at "what if's" and worst case scenarios. Besides I won't really be alone, Caleb is with me all the time.

Surgery and the Unphased Tadpole

So the surgery went well, or as well as a surgery can go where the end result is cutting off a piece of my body. My li’l Caleb came through with flying colors! Well of course he did, he did get all bulked up for the event, I mean who has a baby that’s 3 and a half pounds at 28 weeks pregnant? His little heart beat was just as strong after the surgery as it was before and I’m just fine with that and I felt him moving around almost as soon as I got to my room from recovery.

There was no lymph node involvement which is great but the tumor was much bigger than they originally thought and made up of more than one cancer. When we first found the tumor we assumed that it was a reoccurrence however the biopsy showed that the tumor was not hormonally receptive as before and therefore not a reoccurrence. Which was not great news because apparently if it’s not hormonally based it’s more difficult to treat. Anyway, we took out the tumor and I was told that if it had not spread to the lymph nodes that would be that, well not so much. The pathology from the surgery came back and even though there is no node involvement the tumor is bigger than they had expected so big in fact that the size indicates that it should have spread somewhere and it is made of parts that are a reoccurrence and parts that are not. I sure can’t do anything half assed. My surgeon called my oncologist before she came in to talk to me said that whatever hair he had left he was pulling out right then because he had no idea how to proceed. I mean we know I am going to have to have chemo but the question is when and how much. Do we begin chemo while I'm pregnant? Do we take the baby early and then start? Do we wait for me to give birth and then start treatment? I know, chemo while I'm pregnant? But four doctors have told me that it’s perfectly safe, apparently the placenta is a very efficient filter. Besides it’s more like chemo light and then after the baby is born they would begin full doses. So my cancer docs are going to present my case to the tumor board, which (I assume) is a panel of doctors, oncologists and the like, and get some more opinions on what to do. I’ll hopefully know more on Friday when we go see my oncologist.

I was released from the hospital on Wednesday and have been at home recovering, which apparently takes a while because my doc wants me out until January 31st. As if to add insult to injury they had to put drain lines in to make sure that there was no fluid build up inside my chest, because it’s not bad enough that I have no left boob. Yeah, it’s pretty disgusting so I won’t go into more detail. But they were able to take one out on Friday and hopefully they’ll be able to take out the other one on Tuesday, merry Christmas to me. We also went to see the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist Friday for a sonogram and Caleb is still strong and healthy, the doc says he weighs about 4 pounds now. The hubby and I are so relieved. The tadpole seems to be totally unphased by all of this and I just hope that he will continue to be unphased by whatever else has to happen.

Lot's to Talk About...

Lot’s to talk about today. Since my mastectomy is scheduled for Monday and there is the possibility that the tadpole may need to be delivered my emergency C-section (though not at all likely) my hubby and I got prepared. What do I mean by got prepared? We had a marathon of doctor appointments. My regular OB is at a different hospital than the one I where I get treated for my cancer so I had to meet with an OB at that hospital. My initial telephone conversation with him really eased my mind and gave me reassurance that everything was going to be okay, but meeting him in person blew that all to crap. Not that he is a bad doctor or anything, quite the contrary. He is just very straight forward and very high strung. He gave so many options on how to monitor the baby during surgery but no real opinion so we were left with a decision that felt like we were trying to decide when it was acceptable to let our son die. We were, needless to say, pretty screw up until today when we met with his cohort and mentor who works with the neonatal department. He gave us virtually the same information; he was just much more laid back about it. He also gave us examples of his experiences in the past 18 years he’d been practicing medicine and let us know what he thought was the best way to go. There are 3 options really, you can take a heart beat reading before and after surgery, you can intermittently monitor the baby’s heart beat throughout the surgery or you can have constant fetal monitoring. The latter of the 3 is what sounded good to me however if he baby’s heart beat drops a doctor is much more likely to overreact to the information on the monitor and end up doing an unnecessary C-section causing more danger to mom and baby, so we decided against that. The 2nd option sounded good to the hubby, but if anything is going to happen it is going to happen very quickly and often times the C-section is started to late and the baby is lost anyway and the mother is put at much higher risk than was necessary. So we opted for the 1st option which at first sounded like a little too little to me but when the doc told me that in 18 years he has never had to do an emergency C-section on a woman during scheduled surgery and then considering the risks of the other 2 options that seemed the way to go. He did a very thorough ultrasound and we have discovered that out little tadpole is not so little at 6 months the li’l bugger is like 3 and a half pounds, putting him 4 weeks ahead on the growth-o-meter, which is a very good thing if we do end up delivering on Monday. But I thing I’m going to have to seriously cut back on the ice cream and other crap I’ve been eating lately. Oh well, small price to pay. Then we went across town to see my OB and she gave us the same warm and fuzzies, letting us know that there is no reason to think that Caleb will need to be delivered during surgery and that made us feel even more comfortable with our decision. She also let me know that if I end up having to have chemo and it becomes a hassle to go back and forth between hospitals she would not be offended if I switched to doc at the other hospital, which I think we’re going to do anyway. I think we like the two OBs we met at the other hospital better and the facilities are better. After that appointment we went back to the 1st hospital to take a “just in case tour of the NICU and look at the labor and delivery floor. NICU was a little scary, all those little, tiny babies hooked up to all those machines, but it was a great unit. We spoke to another doctor while we were there, worst case scenario stuff, just in case you need to know stuff, but she was of the same opinion as doctor 1 and 2 of the day, that all that information was just formality and not going to be necessary.

So that’s where we are at. It is still a little bit more than I am prepared to handle but I feel better. I think I am also starting to feel better about having the mastectomy, but not much. But I know it has to be done, otherwise my Caleb won’t have a mommy at all so so what if I only have one breast.

More French cartoons for mon petit écureuil

Something Promising

So, my OB does not practice at the hospital where I am being treated for my breast cancer. She was going to try to get emergency privliages to practice there but that's not going to work out. The mastectomy is Monday and I was beging to get a little worried about who was going to keep an eye on the little guy during my surgery. Well my breast surgeon called the doctor that helped her with the 2 other patients she had that were pregnant and I scheduled an appointment with him. He called me this evening, I guess to put my mind at ease, it seemed to work and that is something promising. He seemed genuinely concerned and let me know that he would be there for my son if necessary and went over a few things we will discuss at my appointment tomorrow. This guy truely sounded like he has my baby's best interest in mind and I am very encouraged.

There are other encouraging things this week. My liver, lungs and spine are all, miraculously, cancer free and my doc says that if the pathology from the surgery is good there won't be any chemo and no matter what no radiation. Can I get a HELL YEAH!

A Plan of Action

I don't know that I necessarilly like this plan but it's what I've got to work with. First we have to make sure that the cancer has not spread anywhere. Breast cancer usually spreads to the lungs, liver and/or bones. We've done the chest and liver scans and so far so good, next is an MRI to check the bones. Looking so forward to that one lemme tell you. After that all there is to worry about is the pathology from the mastectomy and lymph node disection. As long as the bone scan is clean and pathology is good then Caleb can stay in my tummy as long as he likes, if not we may have to take him out a little early so that I can start treatment. I'm trying not to worry before I have to but I'm terrified. I want my li'l guy to be okay, I want to be okay.

Squirmer

Oh he is such a little squirmer! I love it! It makes me laugh, which is something I desperately need right now. It looks like he is sitting pretty high in my belly but when I feel him move or when the doctor checks his heart beat he is really low. He has started doing this thing where it feels like he is flapping his li’l hands about really fast and it kind of tickles. What a weird and wonderful thing.